if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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