I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
