You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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