apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
