also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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