my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
