don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
