Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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