my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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