somebody snuck up and got me drunk
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
