ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
