how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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