home. puking in laundry basket.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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