Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
