Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Randomize
