dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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