I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
