Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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