You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
