i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
