its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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