i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
