Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
