Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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