Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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