Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
