Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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