life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
