There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
