Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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