I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
