dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
