are you so shy because you have an std?
barbara walters just said penis...
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Randomize
