my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
