That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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