I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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