Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
