i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
