Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
