If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
