im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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