I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
