And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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