I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
