Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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