i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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