he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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