What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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