I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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