Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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